Seattle Sluggers Christened Sasquatch

After a month of rumors and arguments, Seattle baseball fans finally learned the name of the their new team—everyone agrees, the name is legendary. Seattle fans, say hello to the Seattle Sasquatch!

The identity of the Seattle team was just one of many announcements made at a press conference today. In front of a room packed full of fans and reporters, marketing director Graham Hubbell unveiled the Sasquatch logo and the team's uniform. He identified the minor league teams. Perhaps most crucial to the fortunes of the team, Hubbell announced that Seattle had signed a complete unknown as General Manager.

Both the name and the general manager reflect the idiosyncrasies of eccentric team owner, Walter Redlum. Known for his interest in cryptozoology, many fans speculated that Redlum would name the team the Bigfoot or the Sasquatch. (Nevertheless, this past month's spirited debate as to the best name of the team has greatly entertained the city's fans. Some called for a return to the old Rainiers or Pilots name. Some advocated for acknowledging Seattle's coffee culture: the Grinders or the Espressos. Others wanted to emphasize the "sea" in Seattle: the Salmon, the Whales, the Sails.) Hubbell acknowledged that Redlum himself chose Sasquatch.

But Redlum's eccentricity was more evident in the selection of the unknown Martín Abresch for general manager. When pressed, Hubbell reluctantly revealed that Redlum met Abresch while visiting a local RadioShack to buy electronic parts to repair a UFO tracking device. "Abresch was working there. Not only did he impress Redlum by repairing the device, but he did so while talking non-stop about baseball, from the game's history to advanced sabermetrics."

When the packed room greeted this revelation with a stunned silence, Hubbell added, "Abresch may have zero experience, but I've talked to him, and the man is a fiercely competitive baseball encyclopedia." He then added that "Redlum wanted someone who 'they' hadn't got to yet."

Hubbell clearly looked more comfortable presenting the various details of the Sasquatch branding. The team colors will be forest green and gold, and the logo features a green silhouette of Bigfoot holding a baseball bat. Seattle's home uniforms will be white with green pinstripes, and the caps are green with a gold "S" insignia.

Minor league teams were also announced. Seattle's triple-A affiliate will be the Albuquerque Cacti. The double-A affiliate will be the Silicon Valley Hackers, located in San José, California. The single-A affiliate will be the Bel Air Princes, located in Los Angles, California.